Just a little bit longer

I waited month after month to see that little pink line show up in the small plastic window.
I stored soft blue booties in my top drawer to remind me to have faith.
I begged God to give me a child,
And he said, “Just a little bit longer”

After my second child was born,
I was so tired, they were so needy, I didn’t think I could give more,
I felt tethered to diapers and toys and the four walls of my living room and I couldn’t really remember what it meant to be alone
I wanted to read in a quiet space and I cried, in frustration, to God,
And He said, “Just a little bit longer”

It has been years now, since I have cleaned up spaghetti from the crack of a high chair, or felt the weight of a baby stroller against my arms on a cold, desperate, January afternoon.
I’m no longer tethered to car seats, and nightmares, I no longer hear that sweet word “mommy” from a little voice in the grocery store carriage,
It has seemed a life time ago when I look back at photos of tiny pigtails, and bare feet, and baby teeth. A life time ago when I was the most important person in the world. I look at their small faces in slide shows in my mind. I silently pray, “Oh God, I don’t want them to grow so fast, I don’t want them to leave me, can I keep them?
And I hear God say, “Just a little bit longer”

It seems life is tied to waiting, there is always something new to be waiting for. When will we take God seriously when he says those 5 precious words to us, “just a little bit longer”. The children we have were never ours forever but just for a moment in time, a second passes and they are grown, independent, pushing us to the margins of their day. We have a short time to love them, hug them, know them, listen to them, teach them, and see them, just a short time to tell them just how precious they are. A short window when they will receive it unconditionally and allow it. They will one day use all we do and give to form their opinions of us and the world and decide who they are. The world is ours for a moment, life, breathe, the universe for a split second, to decide who we are.

I watch the evening news and feel the burning in my heart.
I listen carefully, I watch, I wait, I mourn, I repent,
I have stored up in my heart all he has said to build my faith
I ask him, “Lord, when, when will you return?”
“Just a little bit longer”